you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
