why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
