So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
