Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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