Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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