i need an iv and a liver transplant
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize