Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
