Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
