My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
