I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
