He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
