eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
