wrigley field is MILF paradise
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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