I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
