I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
