so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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