i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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