if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
