Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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