Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
