Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
