its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
