He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
