So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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