Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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