swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
