Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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