I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
