Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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