I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
These tits shall not be calmed
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