I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
