I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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