I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize