Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
