No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
