So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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