I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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