i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
