I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Let's paint friendship bongs
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
