Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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