Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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