It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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