apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
