Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
