So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
