my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
