Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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