there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
