God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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