we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
