I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
