I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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