I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
where are my eyebrows?
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