sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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