On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
