Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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