Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
