id be glad to
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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