i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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