some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
