so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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