I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
