Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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