Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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