I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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