You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
