Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
True college students do jello shots in the library
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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