Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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